Will your partner leave if you say no or set a boundary?

A reader recently sent in this question:

How do you say no to a partner that you realize has an avoidant attachment style? I feel that if I say no or contradict her that will lead to her pulling further away.

This is the core conundrum of people-pleasers and those with anxious attachment style: how do I say no and not destroy the relationship, especially if my partner is avoidant? The reason this is such a big issue is that the people-pleaser often feels like relationships are on the brink of collapsing, while the avoidant partner is often ready to disconnect at the drop of a hat.

If the relationship does fall apart, even temporarily, the people-pleaser will blame themselves and so will the avoidant partner! It ends up being the perfect storm of dysfunction. But it is fixable.

The Nature of the Relationship

If you were my client, I'd start by asking what it is about the relationship that makes you believe your partner would react negatively, so negatively in fact that it would end the relationship. Essentially, I want to learn how long you've been together, how disagreements tend to play out, and whether there is a specific issue you want to say no to or if it is more of a general inability to say no. Then I'd ask about your history of being in conflict and how it was handled in your family. Next, I'd talk with you about your partner, their (avoidant) attachment style, and the role it is playing in your relationship.

Answers to these questions are going to tell me your attachment style, your skill at communication and conflict, and guide the discussion on what to do. 

Beliefs About the Effect of Saying No

Those who don't know how to handle conflict very well usually live in fear of disagreement because their experience with disagreement is that they lose, nearly every time. Maybe conflict or disagreements weren't allowed in the family because strong emotions were shut off. Or, maybe one parent was always right and therefore disagreements weren't allowed. In both of these cases, people learn that their view doesn't matter and they have to get along to keep the peace and stay in the good graces of the adults in the room. The threat of upsetting your parent(s) would create a deep and unconscious fear of conflict and disagreement.

The Role of Fear

The fear and anxiety of a relationship ending is real, strong, and long-lasting, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. I find in my work with people that those who are anxiously attached often feel as if a relationship is ending with the slightest disagreement. This fear doesn't seem to go away, even if a couple has been together for decades. The reality is people who are avoidantly attached want the relationship, too, they just act like they don't, especially during conflict, which increases the fear of their partner.

The Expected Effect of Saying No

Sometimes it's fear and sometimes it's experience but either way there will be times when you want to say no but you "know" how your partner is going to respond and it's not good. The problem with this situation is that what you "know" is an assumption, no matter how much experience you have with your partner and their preferences or opinions. The research shows that people are VERY BAD at predicting what's on the minds of other people. 

The reality is that while you may know your partner's position on something, the timing and manner in which you approach them could make a huge difference in how they respond. If you expect a negative reaction, you're likely to get one, but if you come into the discussion with the expectation of agreement, the likelihood of having a tolerable reaction goes up.

Unfortunately, if your history leaves you with fear of getting into conflict and little or no skill in handling conflict, you're most likely going to expect a negative reaction, increasing your chances of getting a negative reaction. So, what do you do in that case?

Talk About the Dynamic

If you are in a relationship with a person who has an attachment style different from yours, the dynamics created by their style interacting with your style need to be discussed. If the relationship feels brittle, like it's likely to fall apart at the smallest of disagreements, it will never be a healthy relationship--you won't be able to be yourself for fear of the relationship collapsing.

Keep in mind that people with an avoidant attachment style are just as insecurely attached as people with an anxious attachment style. Both "types" feel insecure in relationships, they just have different approaches to conflict. The anxious person wants to reduce conflict by approaching and soothing their partner, while the avoidant person wants to reduce conflict by avoiding the problem (or the partner). At the end of the day, both people want the relationship but are different in how they cope with conflict.

Learn Communication Skills

Next, even if you had a secure childhood and are a great communicator, you're going to need to improve your communication and conflict management skills. The nature of a relationship with someone who is avoidantly attached increases the challenge. Emotions must be controlled, and issues need to be discussed without language that sounds like an attack or blame. 

Emotional control is a skill that comes with practice. Some of the best advice I have for developing this skill is to work on not taking other people's behavior personally--even if they tell you it's your fault. Usually, if you understand that whatever the other person is saying or doing is coming from their beliefs, past experiences, and emotional maturity level and NOT what you are doing, it's a lot easier to keep your cool. 

Self-confidence is another factor in improving your emotional control and comes through doing hard things--things you are not sure you can do. Once you've done a few hard things, you believe in yourself and your ability to deal with hard things and they no longer scare you.

Finally, learning more about communication and developing your communication skill will improve the odds you will be heard and your partner will hear what you're saying without getting upset.

To make all this easier, I have created a 15-page guide on effective communication. The guide will teach you:

• The 3 different communication approaches
• What assertive communication is
• What your rights are (and why they are important)
• Give you a template for speaking assertively
• Will teach you how to write a script for your next hard conversation.

You can download my Effective Communication Guide here.

I know that was a lot to take in. It may even seem to hard to do. But it is doable. Start with small issues, use the Effective Communication Guide to help you learn how to say no, talk with your partner about your fears, and learn how to keep your composure.

You can do this!

And if it still feels like too much, consider booking a coaching session to talk through how it would work i your situation.  

Do you have a question for Dr. Julie? Submit your question here. If I select your question, I'll publish my thoughts in an upcoming newsletter.