Many of us have been taught from a young age that being kind and considerate towards others is a virtue. While this is undoubtedly true, some people take this to an extreme and become people pleasers.
A people pleaser is someone who prioritizes the needs and desires of others above their own, often at great personal expense. There are many reasons why someone might become a people pleaser, and in this blog post, we will explore some of the most common ones.
At the heart of the people-pleasing tendency lies a deep-seated human need: the desire for acceptance and belonging. We all want to be liked and valued by our peers, friends, and family. For people-pleasers, this need can be especially pronounced. Saying "yes" becomes a way to gain approval and establish stronger connections with others. It's as if their emotional well-being is intricately tied to the approval of those around them.
People become pleasers for a variety of...
Dear Dr. Julie: My significant other and I live 2 hours away and are able to see each about twice a month. However because we aren’t in the same city he thinks it’s okay for him to go out & have sex with somebody else (he goes to “providers”). He thinks it’s okay because he is not in a “ relationship “ with anybody else & he says he needs sex. I do love him & he says he loves me but it upsets me to know he is having sex with somebody else! What should I do?
--Monogamous in Montana
Dear Monogamous: Tell yourself the truth about whether him having sex with other people is a dealbreaker for you, regardless of what that might mean for the future of the relationship. Don't let your desire to get along or be understanding get in the way of answering the question. And, don't believe the myth that he is the only one for you.
Keep in mind that people never do something just once or only in one situation. It is...
Marriage is a sacred bond that brings two individuals together, promising love, companionship, and happiness. However, even the strongest marriages will experience periods of discontent and unhappiness. Understanding the key factors contributing to marital unhappiness is important for fostering healthy marriages and avoiding the “bad” times as much as possible.
In this article, we will explore six factors that can undermine marital bliss, offering valuable insights into the challenges couples may face and potential strategies for resolution.
By recognizing the factors that can lead to unhappiness in marriage, couples can proactively address potential issues before they become significant sources of discontent. This recognition empowers individuals to take ownership of their relationship dynamics and actively seek solutions.
Lack of Effective Communication
Communication serves as the cornerstone of a thriving...
Dear Dr. Julie: My husband and I have been married for a while and it's starting to feel a bit boring. We are losing our spark. How can we fix this boring marriage?
--Losing Our Spark
Dear Losing Our Spark: Anything you do repeatedly is going to start to feel boring after a while. That's because it is no longer novel or fun, it is the same old thing over and over again. Who wants that?
To fix your boring marriage first talk with your husband about how you feel and get his perspective--does he think the marriage is boring? You need to know whether he feels the same way and what he thinks will help.
Then think about what made the first years of your relationship fun and interesting. Did you go out and do things more often than you do now? How much time did you spend together versus apart from each other? Were you doing things he liked to do that you haven't done before? Who made the plans for going out? Has that shifted?
If you are caught up in parenting, work or life...
Dear Dr. Julie: My husband continually forgets things we have agreed on, has little motivation for doing household chores (but is totally happy to go do something impulsive that seems like fun for him), and can't seem to take my feelings into account before doing something he knows will upset me. I'm beginning to think he has ADHD. I've asked him about it but he dismisses my concerns. How do I talk with him about this? I need help. I'm starting to feel like our marriage might not last.
--Can't Take Much More
Dear Can't Take Much More: I get it! That would be incredibly frustrating. People with ADHD are a lot of fun to be around, but when the routines of life have to be attended to, it is difficult for many of them to stay focused and be supportive.
Many people with ADHD have a history of knowing (sometimes unconsciously) that they are different and they feel a lot of shame around being different. It can be hard to admit they have a problem in this case.
He also might have a...
Do you find yourself having trouble making relationships last?
Do you feel it’s hard to get close to someone or that your connections never quite reach a level of depth and trust that both sides are comfortable with? If so, don't worry - healthy relationships take time and practice. This blog post will discuss the basics of building and maintaining healthier relationships.
From establishing healthy boundaries to showing kindness, we've got all the tips you need for creating secure connections with friends and family. Read on to learn how you can create lasting bonds!
One of the most important things you can do in a relationship is to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. This means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs without feeling judged or misunderstood. It’s also important to listen to your partner without interruption or judgment.
It’s important to make time...
Are you in a healthy, happy relationship? It can be hard to tell from day to day as we go through life. What may seem small and insignificant every other day could build up into a huge issue after some time – this is why it's so important to stay vigilant about your relationships and ensure they're on the right track!
Relationships are a crucial part of human life. Whether it's a romantic relationship, family relationship, or even friendship, our relationship quality can enormously impact our well-being and overall happiness. But what makes a healthy relationship? How do you know whether your current relationships meet your needs, provide support, and encourage you to reach your goals?
This blog post will dive into the key elements of a healthy connection and explore how to nurture stronger positive relationships in all aspects of life.
One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is communication. Couples...
Do you ever feel like your relationship isn't what it used to be? The dynamics are off, and something's not quite right, but you can't seem to put your finger on it? You might be in an abusive relationship. Abuse can take many forms – physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse all happen within relationships. Understanding what types of abuse are present in your relationship is the first step toward getting help.
Read on to learn more about the different levels of abusive relationships and how they can affect individuals psychologically and physically.
Physical abuse is the type of abuse most people think about when they hear the word "abuse." It includes physical violence, such as hitting, pushing, or restraining someone against their will. It can also include blocking someone's path so they can't leave a room or argument or intimidating someone so they don't leave. Physical abuse is a form of control and can leave...
Hello Dr Julie! Post pandemic, post divorce, post helpful therapy process I have few friends. It is not familiar for me to be so solitary but I live in a state where folks are resistant to deeper emotional relating or making casual connections without years of well established experience.
I use female meet up groups, hobbies, educational pursuits and even explored high school friends, which are positive but not netting meeting at a flower conservatory, coffee or meeting for music. I am lonely and have been told I have great friendship skills from friends in the past, I would like to have more connections in my life. I need to be in this state for work, despite many people from elsewhere complaining that when they move here for business, they do not stay long for lack of friendly chances to connect with others.
I have lost many family members, and some long term friends to illness, I wonder if after Covid others are in this position? I continue to reach out but am not finding...
Dear Dr. Julie: I say yes a lot because I always feel guilty when I say no. But it's starting to be a problem. Right now, I need to set a boundary with my sister who wants to throw me a big birthday party at my house. I don't want a big party for my birthday and I don't want a party at my house. How do I set a boundary with her without feeling guilty for saying no?
Dear Feeling Guilty: I'm going to assume that you know how to set boundaries and focus instead on the feeling guilty part of your question.
First, "Should Statements" are playing a role if you are feeling guilty. If you think something like, "I should let my sister throw a birthday party for me" and you are going against that should statement (i.e., saying no), you will feel guilty. That's one source of guilt. Look at how your thoughts and desires are in conflict.
But let's dive a little deeper, why would you feel like you "should" let your sister throw a party for you? Where I typically...