Dr. Julie's Blog

Dear Dr. Julie: How do I inspire my partner to be more affectionate, loving and communicative with me? Also, I would like him to be more adventurous and be willing to do more things with me.

--Not Feeling the Love

Dear Not Feeling the Love: There are a couple of things to consider here. The first is that he doesn't realize how much it means to you to be affectionate and communicative. I always like to start here because it minimizes your interpretation of why he is the way he is. If you talk with him about it, do so at a time when things are good between the two of you and neither of you are stressing about other things.

The second thing to consider is that this "just isn't him." He may not be a person who likes affection or feels the need to be communicative (beyond basic logistics). We might say it isn't his love language or we might guess that his personality just isn't structured that way or we might consider how he was raised and maybe he...

How do I choose men who are emotionally available?

Dear Dr. Julie: I've been dating for a few years and I seem to be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. If I go out with someone for a few months, eventually it starts to feel like he's pulling away. Despite my efforts to keep the relationship afloat, we inevitably break up. There have even been a couple of men who have even ghosted me after seeing each other several times. I'm heart broken and don't know what to do. I really want to be in a close relationship but now I'm not sure I want to open up to yet another person. How do I make better choices in the men I date?

--Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken: We are usually drawn to what is familiar AND interesting at the same time. Initially, the person you pick is interesting, but on a deeper level he is also familiar. You know how to interact with and what to expect from these men. It is especially puzzling because initially feel...

Dear Dr. Julie, I feel like every time I try to express my feelings to my partner, he becomes defensive or shuts down, which makes me feel unheard and invalidated. I love him and want to build a strong and healthy relationship, but I'm unsure how to approach this situation. Do you have any advice on how to communicate my emotional needs without creating conflict or pushing him away?

—Lost and Confused

Lost and Confused:  That's frustrating for sure! One thing to keep in mind is that when we say something to another person, it gets filtered through their experiences and beliefs. What they hear is often not what we said or meant.

Many men have told me that when their wives or girlfriends are anxious or upset, they feel like they have done something wrong. Although I doubt you were trying to tell your partner that he had done something wrong (or is a bad relationship partner), my first question would be to wonder if that is what he heard. Can you ask him? Be sure...

A holiday can be a welcome break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It can also be a great opportunity to spend quality time with your partner and reconnect on a deeper level. Let’s celebrate your relationships. 

From pumpkin picking to attending holiday parties, there are endless opportunities for couples to enjoy each other's company and strengthen their bond. 

Here are just a few ways holiday time can be the perfect time to strengthen your relationship:

It helps you to appreciate each other more.

Taking your partner for granted can be easy when you're stuck in the daily grind. But spending time together during the holidays can help you to remember all the things you love about them. Take time to talk, laugh and enjoy each other's company, which can help you to appreciate each other more.

It gives you a chance to relax and recharge.

The holiday season can be hectic, but it can also be a great opportunity to relax and recharge. Spending time together...

I recently posed the question, “What’s a positive change you want to make in your relationship?” All the responses I got were focused on communication, everybody wanted to communicate better. As it turns out faulty communication is a top relationship problem.

I couldn’t think of a better topic to address during the holidays. What can be more stressful than arguing during a time when everyone is expected to be bright and cheery?

Here are 3 tips for making your romantic relationship a little less stressful and a little more romantic this holiday season.

1. Listen more and talk less. Listening is something we think we do easily, but we are rarely actually listening. Instead, we are usually thinking of what we are going to say next. To help you listen better challenge yourself to ask a follow-up question about what your partner just said before you add anything to conversation. Another tip for being a better listener is to focus on how your partner is feeling,...

Holidays are a magical time of year AND an incredibly stressful time of year. Many of us look forward to our family traditions, holiday parties, decorating, and gift giving. But, in order to do all these things, we feel like we have to squeeze them into our normally hectic, busy schedules AND get it all done with ease and grace. Except, ease and grace are often forgotten in the hustle, leaving us to wonder “Where is all the magic I’m supposed to be feeling?”

This is especially true if you are a people-pleaser and over-giver. You know what I’m talking about. You try so hard to get everything perfect so other people feel at ease and have a good time and you’re left with a few moments of fun and a big mess to clean up.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You can have more ease and grace in your holidays so they feel magical today and in the years to come. It just takes a little planning.

Acknowledge your tendency for high expectations. If you are a...

Child’s play is something anyone can do, and yet usually, only children do it. We equate child’s play with something simple and easy. Wouldn’t it be awesome if hard things in life were more like “child’s play?” 

What if child’s play could make something like your relationship easier? Wouldn’t THAT be awesome? Initially, your relationship probably felt like child’s play, but over time maybe that stopped being the case. Let’s spice it up again with something children do well that adults usually don’t. 

Let’s get curious.

Curiosity is something we are all born with and use a lot as children, but as we become adults, it fades away. It is that wonderful state of being open to learning something new, approaching a situation without assumptions or preconceived ideas of how it will go. It is child’s play at its core. There is little fear, no ideas or expectations about how something works or what will...

March 1st marks the beginning of Women’s History Month. It also prompted me to think about the history of women in the founding of this country. Specifically, the women and families that came over on the Mayflower. I’ve done a little reading on this part of US history and ran across some amazing stories.

The background

Plymouth Colony, founded by the families of the Mayflower, was the first colony to include women and children. It was founded to provide a group of families a place to worship in a manner of their choosing. [Jamestown, the first colony established by the English, initially only included men because it was founded as a profit-making venture. Here’s a little history on Jamestown: https://www.history.com/topics/colonial-america/jamestown.]

The Mayflower

The Mayflower was not a big ship. There were 102 passengers and probably about 30 crew. The living space on the ship was 50 x 25 feet with a 5-foot ceiling. (That’s less than 10 sq feet per...

Many people dismiss Valentine’s Day as a Hallmark holiday. But, let’s think about this for a minute. It’s a lot more than just a money-making scheme for a big corporation. Valentine's day has been around since before the Middle Ages. If it has been celebrated in some way for the last several hundred years, don’t you think there might be something to it? 

A little history

Pope Gelasius declared February 14th to be St. Valentine’s Day in 498 (yes, over 1500 years ago). The oldest surviving Valentine’s Day poem was written in 1415. In the 18th century, it became popular to exchange small tokens of affection and handwritten notes. Pre-made cards became popular about 1900. Today Valentine’s Day is the second largest card-sending holiday of the year, following Christmas. This is probably why it is thought of as a Hallmark holiday, but as you can see, it pre-dates Hallmark, by a lot.

Valentine’s Day has remained important because it gets...

Meet my German Shepherd, Echo. He’s loyal and bonded to me. He is also protective and shows good judgment about other people. His favorite activity is to catch or fetch balls I throw for him. He does it like it’s his job — with intensity and passion. Echo sets a good example for us all. Here are just a few good things he demonstrates daily.

1. He likes to work and does his job with passion. Even the little jobs, such as catching balls, “hunting” flies, and encouraging me to take a break. Are you doing your jobs with passion? Do you appreciate the meaning of those small everyday, annoying tasks? These small tasks are often the result of abundance in our lives. For example, if you own a car, there is maintenance involved. The annoyance of having to change the oil in the car wouldn’t be there if you didn’t have the resources to own the car in the first place. Appreciate the small, annoying things in your life and do them with passion (or...