Dr. Julie's Blog

Many of us have been taught from a young age that being kind and considerate towards others is a virtue. While this is undoubtedly true, some people take this to an extreme and become people pleasers.

A people pleaser is someone who prioritizes the needs and desires of others above their own, often at great personal expense. There are many reasons why someone might become a people pleaser, and in this blog post, we will explore some of the most common ones.

At the heart of the people-pleasing tendency lies a deep-seated human need: the desire for acceptance and belonging. We all want to be liked and valued by our peers, friends, and family. For people-pleasers, this need can be especially pronounced. Saying "yes" becomes a way to gain approval and establish stronger connections with others. It's as if their emotional well-being is intricately tied to the approval of those around them.

Here are some reasons why people become people pleasers:

People become pleasers for a variety of...

Do you ever find yourself feeling stuck? 

Do negative thoughts and feelings of not being “good enough” often lead your mind down a stressful path of self-doubt and low confidence? 

Did you know that almost all of us are plagued by self-limiting beliefs daily, keeping us from fully living our best lives? 

In this blog post, we'll look at how to identify and break through these limiting beliefs– because everyone deserves to reach their fullest potential!

Step 1: Identify Your Self-Limiting Beliefs

The first step in changing your self-limiting beliefs is to identify them. This can be done by paying attention to your inner dialogue and noticing any negative thoughts or self-talk holding you back. Write down these beliefs and be specific about how they make you feel and impact your life.

Step 2: Challenge Your Self-Limiting Beliefs

Once you have identified your self-limiting beliefs, it's time to challenge them. Ask yourself if these beliefs are based on...

Do you find yourself having trouble making relationships last? 

Do you feel it’s hard to get close to someone or that your connections never quite reach a level of depth and trust that both sides are comfortable with? If so, don't worry - healthy relationships take time and practice. This blog post will discuss the basics of building and maintaining healthier relationships. 

From establishing healthy boundaries to showing kindness, we've got all the tips you need for creating secure connections with friends and family. Read on to learn how you can create lasting bonds!

Talk openly and honestly with your partner

One of the most important things you can do in a relationship is to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. This means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs without feeling judged or misunderstood. It’s also important to listen to your partner without interruption or judgment.

Spend quality time together

It’s important to make time...

Are you in a healthy, happy relationship? It can be hard to tell from day to day as we go through life. What may seem small and insignificant every other day could build up into a huge issue after some time – this is why it's so important to stay vigilant about your relationships and ensure they're on the right track! 

Relationships are a crucial part of human life. Whether it's a romantic relationship, family relationship, or even friendship, our relationship quality can enormously impact our well-being and overall happiness. But what makes a healthy relationship? How do you know whether your current relationships meet your needs, provide support, and encourage you to reach your goals?

This blog post will dive into the key elements of a healthy connection and explore how to nurture stronger positive relationships in all aspects of life.

What Makes a Relationship Healthy?

Communication

One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is communication. Couples...

Dear Dr. Julie: My husband and I have been married for about 15 years and I'm getting tired of how he treats me. He gets angry with me because I "touch his nerve." But I don't always know what that "nerve" is. I have noticed he gets upset with me if I get anxious about something he is doing, like how he drives, but otherwise, I can't tell what will set him off. Do you have any thoughts on what might be going on and what I can do?

--At A Loss

P.S. When I ask him about it he says that we've been married long enough that I should know.

P.P.S. I'm so tired of this I'm considering divorce. I don't want to divorce him, but I'm tired of how unfriendly and mean he is towards me.

Dear At A Loss: I think if you had some idea of what was going on, that would help. Let me take a guess at what might be happening.

In order to figure this out we need to observe patterns. You've made one important observation of a pattern: he gets upset with you when you are anxious about...

Hello Dr Julie! Post pandemic, post divorce, post helpful therapy process I have few friends. It is not familiar for me to be so solitary but I live in a state where folks are resistant to deeper emotional relating or making casual connections without years of well established experience.

I use female meet up groups, hobbies, educational pursuits and even explored high school friends, which are positive but not netting meeting at a flower conservatory, coffee or meeting for music. I am lonely and have been told I have great friendship skills from friends in the past, I would like to have more connections in my life. I need to be in this state for work, despite many people from elsewhere complaining that when they move here for business, they do not stay long for lack of friendly chances to connect with others.

I have lost many family members, and some long term friends to illness, I wonder if after Covid others are in this position? I continue to reach out but am not finding...

Dear Dr. Julie, I feel like every time I try to express my feelings to my partner, he becomes defensive or shuts down, which makes me feel unheard and invalidated. I love him and want to build a strong and healthy relationship, but I'm unsure how to approach this situation. Do you have any advice on how to communicate my emotional needs without creating conflict or pushing him away?

—Lost and Confused

Lost and Confused:  That's frustrating for sure! One thing to keep in mind is that when we say something to another person, it gets filtered through their experiences and beliefs. What they hear is often not what we said or meant.

Many men have told me that when their wives or girlfriends are anxious or upset, they feel like they have done something wrong. Although I doubt you were trying to tell your partner that he had done something wrong (or is a bad relationship partner), my first question would be to wonder if that is what he heard. Can you ask him? Be sure...

We all express and receive love in different ways, and those variations may be the reason why sometimes feelings and good intentions are misunderstood.

For instance, you might spend weeks searching for the most incredible gift for your partner, only to hear them say on their birthday, "I would've been happy just cuddling up on the couch together."

It's not that they're unappreciative or you made a mistake. It's because they speak different love languages or communicate their love differently.

The five love languages were first introduced in 1992 by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman in his book "The 5 Love Languages."  He noticed there was often a discrepancy in how each person in a marriage felt loved. If one person only felt love when they received a gift but their partner rarely bought them gifts, they felt as if their partner didn’t love them. 

Knowing what your love language is and learning what your partner’s love language is will help you create an...

For those of us who make New Year's Resolutions, we are connecting with a sense of hope that things can be different. It's part acknowledgement that things could be better and hope that we can engineer that improvement in our lives. Really, the hopefulness we feel is a love affair with the potential of what could be.

But, if you're more connected with the hopelessness of setting New Year's Resolutions because you haven't realized the potential of past resolutions or have seen too many others fail to realize theirs, it's okay. Being in touch with the problem of your current situation is often troubling and disempowering because you might not know how you got here or how to effectively change it.

Keep in mind though that the idea, "Things could (should) be better" is the first step in making a change. You have to identify a problem before you can fix it.

If you'd like to be in touch with the hopefulness of a better version of you in 2022 (or if you're already hopeful), here are...

I hear this question a lot from clients and on social media and my answer is not what you’d expect. Here’s how I think about it.

The questioner is in a relationship with someone who repeatedly violates boundaries and treats her in highly disrespectful ways. Treatment could be anything from name-calling to hitting, blaming to criticizing, threatening to trivializing. Whatever the behavior, it is repeated and it hurts the questioner. 

Invariably the questioner has told the partner that the behavior is hurtful and not okay. 

The question, “Does he know he’s hurting me” is a reasonable question if one assumes that people who love each other don’t intentionally hurt each other. 

So, what is going on?

Reasoning through this we will see something like this:

Assumption: 

People who love each other don’t intentionally hurt each other.

Facts: 

He tells me he loves me.

I love him.

He’s hurting me.  

I’ve...