Dr. Julie's Blog

Dear Dr. Julie: My significant other and I live 2 hours away and are able to see each about twice a month. However because we aren’t in the same city he thinks it’s okay for him to go out & have sex with somebody else (he goes to “providers”). He thinks it’s okay because he is not in a “ relationship “ with anybody else & he says he needs sex. I do love him & he says he loves me but it upsets me to know he is having sex with somebody else! What should I do?

--Monogamous in Montana

Dear Monogamous: Tell yourself the truth about whether him having sex with other people is a dealbreaker for you, regardless of what that might mean for the future of the relationship. Don't let your desire to get along or be understanding get in the way of answering the question. And, don't believe the myth that he is the only one for you. 

Keep in mind that people never do something just once or only in one situation. It is...

Dear Dr. Julie: My husband and I have been married for a while and it's starting to feel a bit boring. We are losing our spark. How can we fix this boring marriage?

--Losing Our Spark

Dear Losing Our Spark: Anything you do repeatedly is going to start to feel boring after a while. That's because it is no longer novel or fun, it is the same old thing over and over again. Who wants that?

To fix your boring marriage first talk with your husband about how you feel and get his perspective--does he think the marriage is boring? You need to know whether he feels the same way and what he thinks will help. 

Then think about what made the first years of your relationship fun and interesting. Did you go out and do things more often than you do now? How much time did you spend together versus apart from each other? Were you doing things he liked to do that you haven't done before? Who made the plans for going out? Has that shifted?

If you are caught up in parenting, work or life...

Dear Dr. Julie: My husband continually forgets things we have agreed on, has little motivation for doing household chores (but is totally happy to go do something impulsive that seems like fun for him), and can't seem to take my feelings into account before doing something he knows will upset me. I'm beginning to think he has ADHD. I've asked him about it but he dismisses my concerns. How do I talk with him about this? I need help. I'm starting to feel like our marriage might not last.

--Can't Take Much More

Dear Can't Take Much More: I get it! That would be incredibly frustrating. People with ADHD are a lot of fun to be around, but when the routines of life have to be attended to, it is difficult for many of them to stay focused and be supportive. 

Many people with ADHD have a history of knowing (sometimes unconsciously) that they are different and they feel a lot of shame around being different. It can be hard to admit they have a problem in this case.

He also might have a...

Do you find yourself having trouble making relationships last? 

Do you feel it’s hard to get close to someone or that your connections never quite reach a level of depth and trust that both sides are comfortable with? If so, don't worry - healthy relationships take time and practice. This blog post will discuss the basics of building and maintaining healthier relationships. 

From establishing healthy boundaries to showing kindness, we've got all the tips you need for creating secure connections with friends and family. Read on to learn how you can create lasting bonds!

Talk openly and honestly with your partner

One of the most important things you can do in a relationship is to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. This means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs without feeling judged or misunderstood. It’s also important to listen to your partner without interruption or judgment.

Spend quality time together

It’s important to make time...

Are you in a healthy, happy relationship? It can be hard to tell from day to day as we go through life. What may seem small and insignificant every other day could build up into a huge issue after some time – this is why it's so important to stay vigilant about your relationships and ensure they're on the right track! 

Relationships are a crucial part of human life. Whether it's a romantic relationship, family relationship, or even friendship, our relationship quality can enormously impact our well-being and overall happiness. But what makes a healthy relationship? How do you know whether your current relationships meet your needs, provide support, and encourage you to reach your goals?

This blog post will dive into the key elements of a healthy connection and explore how to nurture stronger positive relationships in all aspects of life.

What Makes a Relationship Healthy?

Communication

One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is communication. Couples...

Dear Julie, My husband and I have been married for 7 years and there are several things he does that drive me crazy. I've tried talking to him about what I need him to do differently, but he won't change and I don't understand why. Can you help me understanding my husband and why he won't change?

--Looking for Change

Dear Looking for Change, You aren't going to like my answer much, but here goes.

You can't change him. (I know you know that.)

You have two options, ask (nicely) for change, and act differently. Essentially, use your words and your actions to influence him to do things differently.

Consider some of these possible factors as to why he isn't changing, even though you have asked. 

1. If he changes, he may feel like he's giving up something important to him and he doesn't want to give it up, so he doesn't change.
2. He believes that if he does it your way, then he was doing it wrong and that would mean failure and he can't tolerate the idea that he failed.
3. He thinks by...

When it comes to relationships, there's no one-size-fits-all advice that applies to everyone. But when deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship, it can be helpful to consider what makes up a healthy union. Navigating love and commitment isn't always easy — but understanding the components of an emotionally and physically reflective and supportive relationship is key for both parties to experience joy, contentment, and satisfaction over time.

Having a healthy, functional relationship may seem elusive to some. For example, suppose you grew up around less-than-ideal relationships. In that case, it can be easy to overlook unhealthy daily patterns and not realize the baseline of a good bond between people in love. But here's the thing — there are certain must-haves for others to experience bliss rather than pain! These characteristics should never go neglected or unaddressed. If something feels off balance within your connection, address it. So, take note –...

Hi Dr. Julie, My husband has ADHD and I try very hard not to parent him when he doesn’t complete a task or completes it so quickly that he isn’t thorough. I often will go back and complete it myself, but then I feel resentful.

I have committed to not nagging him about these things as it doesn’t feel good to either of us. I’m his wife, not his mother and I would like to have an adult relationship with him, not a parent/child relationship as often happens. How would you advise me to approach him without nagging or criticizing?

--Looking For A Better Way

Dear Looking, ADHD is a tough one because the individual usually means well, but isn't organized enough or tracking details well-enough to follow-through. In cases like this, you are right nagging doesn't work and you want to avoid feeling resentful.

Two things.

First, I recommend that the two of you talk about the ways ADHD is showing up in your relationship and chart the pattern so that you both are...

Do you ever feel like your relationship isn't what it used to be? The dynamics are off, and something's not quite right, but you can't seem to put your finger on it? You might be in an abusive relationship. Abuse can take many forms – physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse all happen within relationships. Understanding what types of abuse are present in your relationship is the first step toward getting help.

Read on to learn more about the different levels of abusive relationships and how they can affect individuals psychologically and physically.

Types of Abusive Relationships

Physical abuse 

Physical abuse is the type of abuse most people think about when they hear the word "abuse." It includes physical violence, such as hitting, pushing, or restraining someone against their will. It can also include blocking someone's path so they can't leave a room or argument or intimidating someone so they don't leave. Physical abuse is a form of control and can leave...

Dear Dr. Julie: My husband and I have been married for about 15 years and I'm getting tired of how he treats me. He gets angry with me because I "touch his nerve." But I don't always know what that "nerve" is. I have noticed he gets upset with me if I get anxious about something he is doing, like how he drives, but otherwise, I can't tell what will set him off. Do you have any thoughts on what might be going on and what I can do?

--At A Loss

P.S. When I ask him about it he says that we've been married long enough that I should know.

P.P.S. I'm so tired of this I'm considering divorce. I don't want to divorce him, but I'm tired of how unfriendly and mean he is towards me.

Dear At A Loss: I think if you had some idea of what was going on, that would help. Let me take a guess at what might be happening.

In order to figure this out we need to observe patterns. You've made one important observation of a pattern: he gets upset with you when you are anxious about...