Why Ghosting Hurts So Damn Much and How to Move On

While the term “ghosting” has only been around since about the early 2000s, the act of ghosting (cutting off contact without warning) has been around much longer. By now most people have either had an experience of being ghosted or know someone who has. Whether it was you or a friend, the pain of being ghosted was intense and at times quite puzzling.

Why can’t someone just move on from being ghosted? After all, the message is clear, “I don’t want a relationship with you.”

Why do I feel like I need “closure?”

Why do I feel like being ghosted is rejection on steroids?

Why am I so damn hurt?

I wasn’t even into the person that much, so why am I so upset about it?

Let’s take a deeper look at what happens to people when they are ghosted, why it hurts, why it’s hard to move on, why you’re having such an intense reaction, and what you can do to heal. Ghosting is a huge disruption to your life. Learning about why it hurts so much and what to do about it is worth your time.

1. Ghosting is the same as physical pain

Humans evolved in social settings and being rejected by the group was a very literal threat to survival. To signal the threat, the brain registers it as painful. As it turns out, the brain re-uses the same areas in experiencing emotional pain as physical pain. That means ghosting literally hurts.

It’s also why, if you are a people pleaser, you are loath to reject another person, even over little issues. You know it will hurt a lot so you avoid making someone feel that way.

In short, ghosting doesn’t make you feel bad because you are “sensitive.” You feel bad because sudden and unexpected social disconnection is painful.

2. Ghosting opens an unsolvable cognitive loop

People are wired to resolve uncertainty. We want to know the answer, the end of the story, an explanation for what happened. Ghosting creates an open-ended, unresolvable social puzzle that our brain keeps trying to resolve, resulting in intrusive thoughts and maladaptive daydreaming.

When you are ghosted, by definition, you don’t know what happened or why, the story is unfinished. There is no known cause, no meaning, no narrative. The vacuum created pulls people into making up stories about what happened, ruminating on “what if” fantasies, and daydreaming as a means to self-soothe. Because the brain can’t complete the story, it is emotionally destabilizing, and the loop can’t be closed.

3. Ghosting triggers your attachment alarm system

The ambiguity and uncertainty of ghosting echoes early childhood experiences of unreliable or unresponsive caregivers. It’s not a conscious response, but rather a primal, felt sense of abandonment that triggers hypervigilance, rumination, and anxiety in an attempt to reconnect and resolve the uncertainty. While ghosting is likely to have the biggest impact on people with insecure attachment styles (anxious or avoidant), even securely attached people can struggle with the rejection of being ghosted. The rejection of ghosting triggers our attachment alarm system, resulting in panic, shame, and compulsive attempts to reconnect. 

4. Ghosting creates a wound to our identity

We all have a sense of who we are, our identity. When we are ghosted, the silence and ambiguity threatens that identity. The rejection shifts our focus to our self and creates shame and anxiety. The wound makes us ruminate on whether:

• we are disposable
• we misread the situation
• we did something wrong
• our perception of reality is accurate
• we can rely on our own judgment
• and even who we are

Ghosting shatters the foundations of who you know yourself to be. However, you are the same person you were before you were ghosted, just as wonderful, loving, and loved as before. The other person's inability to communicate in a healthy way doesn't imply anything about you—it's all about them!

Moving on from being ghosted

To move on you’ll want to address some or all of the reasons it hurts so much. Here are things you can do based on each of the 4 reasons you're experiencing pain and emotional instability.

1. Close the open cognitive loop

Because ghosting leaves a lot of unanswered questions, such as What happened? Did I miss something? Was it me?, you’ll spin on these questions in an effort to find answers and close the loop. To close the loop yourself, write a factual narrative.

• List only facts, not your interpretations. If you’re not sure whether something is a fact (We went on X number of dates) or an interpretation (We seemed to like each other), ask a friend to help you out.
• Name three possible reasons that have nothing to do with you. Some reasons could include things got complicated with their ex, they were too embarrassed to tell me, they have an avoidant attachment style, they are emotionally immature, they are conflict avoidant, they met someone else, etc.
• Close the loop by ending your narrative with a statement such as, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who would behave this way. I’ve decided the relationship is over and I’m not waiting for more information.”

Closing the loop in this way will help end the constant search for more information for closure—you’ve given yourself closure. Be sure to keep your narrative around and re-read it as necessary to remind yourself.

2. Counteract your attachment system alarm

Your attachment system will sound an alarm in response to sudden loss. It doesn’t matter how long you had known the person. To counter the alarm:

• Connect with a good friend who responds reliably. This will turn down the threat response. If you can, get a hug from them.
• Stop seeking information on social media or text messages. Seeking contact in this way keeps the alarm system activated. Tip: Blocking them will remind your emotional system that you can’t get a message and help you stop checking your phone.
• When you feel panicky about what happened, calm yourself by engaging in box breathing, moving differently (e.g., go for a run, do some stretching, etc.), or doing a grounding exercise (e.g., identify things you can touch, see, hear, smell, and taste).

3. Repair your identity injury

Ghosting threatens your sense of who you are by causing you to ask questions like Why wasn’t I enough? What’s wrong with me?

To heal this injury, start by making a list of all the ways you showed up well. Focus on what you did right, what was consistent with your values, and who you want to be. Avoid ruminating on any little mistakes that come to mind. After being ghosted, you may be re-interpreting them as dealbreakers in an effort to answer why this happened.

Then, instead of asking What’s wrong with me?, change the question to Do I want someone in my life that makes me feel this way? Or Do I want someone in my life who can’t communicate well? This shift will restore some of your power in the situation—you’re deciding not to let them back in (should they return).

If you find this hard to do on your own, talk it over with a trusted friend. They can help you see yourself in a positive light. Since they are your friend, they aren't lying to you, so don’t discount what they say. 😉

Once you are feeling better, now is the time to reflect on the entire situation and see what you can learn from it. Ask yourself,

• What does this teach me about how I attach to others?
• What did I learn about myself and my friends?
• In what ways do I want to change my communication?
• What clues would help me spot poor communication or emotional unavailability in the future?

This final step helps you make meaning from what happened, empowers you to recognize future issues, and leaves you with a better understanding of yourself and your support network. It completes the story of what happened, so you can move on.

4. Counteract the pain signal

Because the pain of rejection activates the same areas of the brain involved in physical pain, care at the body level can counteract some of the pain.

 Sleep and Nutrition

The disruption caused by rejection may involve disruptions to sleep and appetite. Both poor sleep and poor nutrition (e.g., only eating comfort foods) have the effect of amplifying pain circuitry signals in the brain. If you’re having problems sleeping because you can’t turn off the rumination there are ideas on how to reduce rumination later in this article. Other ideas for enhancing emotional regulation so you can sleep would include:

• Keeping a regular sleep routine
• Sleeping at a friend’s house or having a friend stay at yours
• Don’t eat too close to bedtime
• Avoid eating activating foods (e.g., caffeinated, sugary, or spicy foods) close to bedtime
• Avoid activating activities (e.g., working out, stimulating television shows or movies) close to bedtime
• Include gentle stretching before bed
• Consider listening to sleep enhancing audio, such as a Yoga Nidra session or a boring audiobook

Limit social withdrawal

Social isolation increases the pain alarm of ghosting. This is because humans are social creatures, and we help each other regulate our emotions. Hanging out with others, even if you’re just watching a show or playing a game, will help turn down the pain alarm of being rejected.

For an added benefit of being with others, get a good, solid hug from at least one person you’re hanging out with. The hug will give you additional support in stabilizing your emotional reaction.

Movement

Pain circuitry activation will create tension in your body. Move by walking, stretching, and other moderate exercise to reduce the tension and help with blood flow to keep tension down.

You can’t control whether someone ghosts you, but you can take charge of moving on. When you understand why ghosting hurts so much and how to close the loop yourself, you take back your power.

And, if could use some help to communicate more directly—even when it’s uncomfortable—my Effective Communication Guide will show you how to say what needs to be said instead of avoiding it.