Understanding and Healing When Friends Hurt You
Jan 12, 2025
Dear Dr. Julie: Hi, I've been going through a hard time recently. My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I'm feeling overwhelmed and depressed. To make things worse my best friend has completely abandoned me. I can't believe she did this and it's making things even harder because I don't know why. What can I do to get her to realize how much she has hurt me?
--Hurt and Overwhelmed
Dear Hurt and Overwhelmed:
First, let me say how deeply sorry I am for what you’re going through. Facing your mom’s terminal illness is a heartbreak no one can prepare for, and the feelings of overwhelm and depression you’re describing are completely understandable. Adding in the pain of feeling abandoned by your best friend must feel like an unbearable weight at a time that is already unbearable.
It’s natural to want to understand why someone you’ve counted on isn’t there for you during such a vulnerable time. Friendships often feel like our safety net, and when that net is missing, it can feel as though we’re all alone in our pain. Your desire to make her realize the hurt she’s caused stems from wanting her to validate your pain, to acknowledge your loss, and to show up for you in the way you’ve needed. That's normal and totally relatable.
Key Takeaways
- Wanting your friend to understand how badly she hurt you is a wish to be seen and validated, and that wish is completely human, especially when you are already carrying this much.
- People often pull away during a crisis because they feel helpless, not because they have stopped caring. Fear of saying the wrong thing can look a lot like indifference from the outside.
- Leading with blame tends to invite defensiveness. Naming your own experience and inviting a conversation gives that conversation a real chance.
- You cannot control whether she shows up, but you can decide how much access she has to you and where you turn for support.
- Her absence does not measure your worth. Lean toward the people and resources who can help carry this with you, including a therapist or support group.
But here’s something that may help shift your perspective: People often disappear not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to handle what’s happening. Your best friend may be avoiding you not out of malice but out of fear—fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of their own emotions, or even fear of facing the reality of mortality that your mom’s diagnosis brings up. None of this excuses her actions, but it can offer some understanding of why she may have pulled away.
As much as you want her to see your hurt, you might not get the reaction you’re hoping for if you approach her with blame or anger. Instead, consider reaching out with curiosity and vulnerability.
For example:
“I’ve been struggling a lot with my mom’s illness, and I’ve felt hurt and confused because it seems like you’ve pulled away. Can we talk about what’s been going on?”
This approach opens the door for a conversation without putting her on the defensive. You may discover more about what’s behind her actions—or lack thereof.
That said, if she doesn’t respond or refuses to engage, it’s important to honor your own feelings. You deserve friends who can show up for you, even imperfectly, and it’s okay to feel disappointed and hurt by her absence. But remember, her actions don’t diminish your worth or the love and support you deserve.
Instead, lean into relationships where you feel safe and supported. Consider seeking out a therapist, support group, or other trusted people in your life. You’re facing something incredibly hard, and you don’t have to navigate it alone.
You’re carrying so much right now. Please be gentle with yourself.
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