4 Reasons People Tolerate Bad Behavior

Why would someone treat another person poorly and expect them to take it? And, maybe more importantly, why on earth would the recipient of that behavior accept it?

There are plenty of reasons someone might behave disrespectfully, but I want to focus on something else. Why would someone stay in a relationship where they’re consistently disrespected? 

This could be you. It could be someone close to you. Maybe it’s not happening now, but it could in the future. While most of us like to believe we would set a boundary and walk away, the truth is that doing so is often much harder than it seems.

One important distinction that helps explain why is that people often value having a relationship more than they value the quality of the relationship. It’s like staying in a bad job because it’s a job and helps you pay the bills. You don’t love your boss (or co-worker), but at least you have a paycheck. Same with relationships.

In both cases, disrespect goes unaddressed. The person being disrespected learns to look the other way to keep the job or the relationship. In the workplace, there is usually a power imbalance, but in a relationship, that shouldn't be the case.

In a healthy relationship, power should be balanced. It might vary from one area to another (money, parenting, etc.), but overall, both partners should feel respected and heard.

So why do people stay in disrespectful relationships? Here are 4 possible reasons why:

They Ignored Red Flags Early On

Most people in unhappy relationships either made a decision early on to overlook red flags or they didn’t see the red flag at all. If they made a decision to overlook the red flag, they likely told themselves they were giving the other person the benefit of the doubt or a second chance. After all, no one’s perfect, right? And if you’re not perfect, you shouldn’t expect them to be perfect either.

Other times people don’t realize there is problematic behavior, even as it is happening. Research shows that when we are in the throes of love and infatuation we don’t interpret “bad” behavior as a problem. We might even find it endearing!! It has to do with neurotransmitters and how the brain is wired and it leads to the old adage “love is blind.” You can read about it here: https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain.

But there is a difference between giving someone a second chance and enabling disrespect. If you’ve gotten into the habit of giving someone the benefit of the doubt and the relationship isn’t getting any better, that habit isn’t helping, it’s hurting. Problems need to be addressed, not ignored.

They Didn’t See It Coming

When relationships first start, red flags can be hard to spot because people are generally on their best behavior. The red flags are subtle. The rude comment could be a joke. The moodiness could just be stress. At first they don’t know if it is a one-off problem or if it is a pattern. They don’t have enough data points. And, if they didn’t recognize the pattern until they were already emotionally invested, it can be very hard to get out.

They Are Used to Dysfunction

Some people stay because disrespectful behavior is what they expect. They were raised in dysfunctional homes and that kind of behavior is familiar. It feels normal. The person just doesn’t realize how bad tings are, or that it could be any different, until they’re too deep in to easily get out.

They Are Conflict-Avoidant

Another common reason? Fear of conflict.

I’ve heard so many clients say, “I want to bring it up, but I don’t know when. I shouldn’t (can’t) bring it up when we are fighting, and, if we aren’t fighting, I don’t want to start one.” They are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Avoiding conflict is a coping strategy, especially if:

• You don’t trust the relationship can withstand a real conversation
• You don’t feel confident navigating an argument
• You’ve come to believe conflict means the relationship is failing

In some cases, people avoid conflict for so long they eventually avoid their way right out of the relationship.

If you are in a disrespectful relationship, it doesn’t matter how you ended up there. What matters is what you do next. You have a choice: Do you stay, hoping things will change? Or do you leave in search of something healthier?

And, here’s the deeper question:

Are you staying because having a relationships feels more important than having a good relationship?

If that’s the case, please know you aren’t alone. Also realize you have the power to make a different choice. Start the healing process now, before you decide whether to leave. If you do it’s possible you'll gain clarity about when and how to leave. Or, better yet, the changes you make may bring new, healthier patterns to your relationship.

Remember:

You don’t have to settle for proximity over peace—you can have both.

You can start prioritizing quality today.

When you do, things will change.