Self-Reflection: The Skill That Changes Everything

I confess...I'm a self-help junkie. Not something most psychologists are into, surprisingly, but here I am. I read my first self-help book in grade school. I had a hard time understanding it (I was about 11 🤣), but I wanted to learn more about how to talk to people because I was so shy. I could see that other kids didn't have fear around talking to others and making friends, and I wanted to be the same way. 

While I didn't learn how to communicate more assertively, I did learn how to observe my own behavior, to self-reflect. As it turns out, self-reflection is the key skill needed to make things better in your life.

When I talk with people who are dissatisfied with their life or relationships, the first thing I notice is that they believe someone else needs to change in order for them to be happier or to get ahead.

• Their boss has to recognize their worth and give them a promotion.
• Their spouse has to pick up after him- or herself.
• Their kids have to clean their rooms without having to be told.
• Their neighbors have to be quieter on the weekends so they can sleep.

You get the point. If other people would just do things differently, then life would be easier and happier. You'd fight less, make more money, and have more time for what you love, not just your job.

Nowhere in that thought process is a reflection on what you are doing (or not doing) that keeps you stuck in that situation. This is where self-reflection becomes pivotal.

The only thing you ever really control is your own behavior. And if you don't examine your own behavior, there is little chance for change.

We can ask, demand, or plead with others to change. We can cajole or manipulate in hopes they will change, but we have zero control over whether they actually do. Worse yet, if they do make an effort, and we get our hopes up, they usually disappoint us by reverting back to old patterns in no time.

A client of mine recently had what she described as a "come to Jesus" talk with her husband about how his behavior interferes with her ability to sleep. She has supported him for years so he can achieve his goals and now she wanted him to respect her needs.

She demanded change. This wasn't the first time, but this was the first time she felt he heard her clearly. While I was happy for her and hopeful that he would follow through, I was also mindful of the fact that very few people will make permanent change based on one discussion.

So, after she told me what happened and how heard she felt, we talked about her expectations for ongoing changes and her role in shaping a new dynamic. If she doesn't monitor her behavior in setting up this new dynamic, they will slip into the old pattern, and she'll be back to nights of interrupted sleep and feeling drowsy during the day.

Really, that's how any change is sustained. Whether it's just you working on yourself or trying to shift a relationship dynamic, you need to monitor your behavior and do things that support what you are striving for. Things won't change if you only talk about what you want the other person to do differently, YOU need to do things differently.

And, in order to do things differently, you need to reflect on your thoughts, actions and feelings. You need to understand what prompts your reactions, and when to respond differently despite your reaction.

This idea gets a lot of pushback. People tell me:

1. My intentions are good. I'm not doing anything wrong. The other person needs to change.
2. I need to be authentic and express myself exactly as I feel it.
3. If people really loved me and really understood me, they would do things differently.

You can believe those things all you want, but nothing will change. You'll stay stuck until you bypass those thoughts, self-reflect and examine your role in the dynamic--your thoughts, feelings, and actions. 

To self-reflect, ask questions like this:

1. How did that interaction or situation make me feel?
2. Why did those feelings come up and not others? Is there a history behind them?
3. What beliefs do I have about myself or the situation that are active in this situation?
4. What could I do differently?
5. If I did something different, what am I afraid might happen?

Sometimes asking these kinds of questions can be quite illuminating. They open up new options. Other times, they produce fear around what might happen if you change your approach.

For example, one client of mine wanted more intimacy with his partner but he was convinced, beyond a shadow of doubt, that if he asked, she'd say no and they'd end up divorcing. He was afraid of doing something different. Actually, terrified would be a better word for how he was feeling.

But, with a little support and encouragement, he wrote her a letter. She responded quite positively because, as it turned out, she wanted more intimacy, too. 

We have to acknowledge a problem before we can change it. Since we can only change our own behavior, we need a better understanding of how we are contributing to our problem. Once you see where you can make a change, you can start there. You'll be surprised at what you accomplish.

And, if the answers you uncover in self-reflection scare you, take a deep breath. You don't have to do things differently right away. You can always make changes later and until then get a little support. Self-reflection isn't always easy, but it is the one tool that ensures you'll never stay stuck.

Read more about getting a better understanding of yourself in my book, Loved: Relationship Rules for Women Who Thought They Knew the Rules. Buy it on Amazon, or at your local bookstore.