Is It Too Harsh to Say, “If We Divorce, I Want No Contact”?

When Divorce Feels Like Emotional Whiplash

One day your spouse says they want a divorce.
The next day they want to work things out.
Then they say maybe you can just “stay friends.”

That feels like emotional whiplash and it’s painful. It keeps you hopeful and scared at the same time. You don’t know whether to lean in or back away and protect yourself.

At some point you might consider going no contact because of the pain of it all. If you’re asking whether that’s too harsh, you’re likely worrying that doing so will punish your spouse, which isn’t what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to survive.

Mixed Signals Are Not Neutral

When someone says they want to divorce and then retracts it repeatedly, it creates a situation where you are waiting and they are undecided.

People waver when they’re scared, conflicted, or unsure. But their ambivalence has a powerful affect on you. It leaves you feeling uncertain and emotionally unsafe.

If this is happening to you, it’s reasonable to say:
“I can work on this if we’re both committed. But I can’t live in constant uncertainty.”

Saying that won’t resolve their ambivalence, but it will help you reclaim some of your power in the situation with which you can create more certainty for yourself. If they can't commit, then you aren’t going to work on it with them until they can.

Can You Stay Friends After Divorce?

Sometimes spouses want to stay friends as a way to resolve their ambivalence. Staying friends means they can still feel connected to you but reduce the level of their responsibility and involvement in the relationship.

Spouses can be friends if:

• The divorce is mutual and settled.
• Both people have emotionally detached.
• There is no lingering hope for reconciliation.
• Boundaries are clear and respected.

If you still want the marriage, “staying friends” becomes a slow bleed. You'll remain emotionally invested while being asked to settle for something less.

Friendship requires emotional equality. If you’re there is an imbalance where you want more than they do, you’re not in a place to offer that.

Wanting No Contact Isn’t Punishment

There’s a difference between:

• “I’m cutting you off to hurt you.”
• “I need space to heal.”

No contact after divorce is sometimes necessary for emotional recovery. Especially when:

• You still love them.
• You feel pulled into ongoing ambiguity.
• You’re afraid of being used for emotional support without commitment.
• The relationship dynamic feels one-sided.

If your spouse wants “the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities,” your discomfort tells you it is unbalanced, and you’re allowed to opt out of that imbalance.

Is It Too Harsh?

As a caring individual, you understand that no contact is often painful and would cut off the possibility of reconciliation. So, how do you know if you're being too harsh? Ask yourself three questions:

1. Would ongoing contact delay my healing?
2. Am I agreeing to friendship out of fear of losing them completely?
3. Do I feel calmer imagining no contact?

If you answer yes to these questions, you're seeking to stabilize and protect yourself and stop the emotional whiplash. While your spouse may disagree or feel hurt by your desire to go no contact, you're not doing it to punish them. You're practicing self-respect. 

What You Might Say

If you decide that no contact is necessary, you don’t need a dramatic speech.

It could be as simple as:

“If we decide to divorce, I won’t be able to stay in contact. It would be too painful for me, and I need take care of myself.”

In this case, you’re not asking them to agree, you’re informing them of your position.

A Final Reality

If someone truly wants reconciliation, they don’t need you on standby as a friend. They can commit to working on the marriage as your spouse, or not. If they can't decide, you don't have to be the victim of that. You can decide.

Protecting yourself from prolonged pain isn’t harsh, it’s mature.