The #1 Mistake Women Make During Conflict

You’re calm, reasonable, and explaining your point clearly—so why does the argument keep getting worse? Why is it that the more you talk, the more you're talked out of your original point? The truth is, over-explaining doesn’t create understanding; it erases your power. Here’s how to stop doing it.

The Hidden Trap: Over-Explaining to Be Understood

You likely have several skills and beliefs that are getting in your way.

• You are good at explaining things to others
• You value fairness and understanding and assume other people do, too
• You assume conflict stems from missteps in communication
• You believe that if you find the right words, the other person will "get it"

So, why doesn't explaining more work to resolve communication problems? And, why can't you find the right words to make the conflict go away? 

While you believe you are resolving miscommunication, over explaining quickly shifts into controlling how others see you. Your explanations become about being understood, approved of, or vindicated. When that happens you have shifted into emotional management of other people, not conflict resolution.

Why It Backfires

From the other person's point of view, the more you explain, the more your words make the other person feel lectured, cornered, controlled, or blamed. Even if you are being kind, being kind doesn't help the other person feel better about how you're coming across to them, it feels fake.

The more you explain, the more your explaining will shift from clarifying your point to justifying your point.

And, unfortunately, that shift diminishes your point, making it seem negotiable. That's why when I got into conflicts and worked really hard to explain my point (in a kind way), the more vulnerable I was to being convinced I didn't really have a point or I was over-reacting. 

The Shift: From “Explaining” to “Expressing”

Here's what to do instead. 

Explaining focuses on why you're right. But that will quickly turn into a power struggle over whose perspective is more right. 

Instead shift into expressing what's true for you. 

Here's an example of a never-ending argument I had with my husband and how I would explain to him:

Me: At the end of a workday, I'm tired and don't always feel like cooking dinner. Can you be responsible for dinner 2-3 days during the week?

Husband: But you like cooking dinner.

Me (explaining): But I don't have the energy and it's hard for me to come up with what to make when I'm tired and dinner always ends up being later than it should be. Can you please make dinner occasionally?

Husband: I'm too busy to make dinner and you have time after work, plus you're good at it. 

I'm not getting anywhere in this conversation other than frustrated.

The more I explain all the reasons he should agree to cook dinner, the more I shift into justifying and convincing. Each of these reasons becomes something else he can refute or argue with.

If I expressed myself instead of explaining, I'd say this instead:

Me (expressing): Nevertheless, it's too much for me and I'd like you to be responsible for dinner 2-3 days during the week.

I'm not negotiating or trying to convince him, I'm stating my position. 

And, when I'm just expressing my position, it's much harder to argue with me.

Quick Win: A One-Sentence Reset

Here's how to put this into practice. If you find yourself explaining, stop and ask yourself:

"What's my point?" or "What's my bottom line?"

Then say one clear sentence that expresses your truth or boundary. 

I like to start my one clear sentence with the word 'nevertheless,' which returns the conversation to the original point quickly and easily. (If you'd like to use a different word or phrase, try 'in spite of that' or 'all the same.')

For example, if I had said:

“Nevertheless, I'd like you to be responsible for dinner 2-3 weekday nights.”

That one clear sentence would have avoided arguing about the reasons my husband should make dinner and restore the focus to what I was asking for.

Wrap-Up: What Real Communication Looks Like

Avoiding miscommunication isn't about explaining yourself better, it's about being clear and concise about your experience or position. If you shift into expressing yourself, people don't have to agree with you to respect you.  

If you'd like to learn more about speaking what's true for you and communicating that to others, read my book, Loved: Relationship Rules for Women Who Thought They Knew the Rules. Chapter 1 specifically talks about telling the truth and how to say what's true for you in a way that others can hear.