Handling Hard People: Lessons I Learned From a Toxic Boss

Long before I was a psychologist, I had a job as an administrator at a CPA firm. The two male partners who ran the firm were difficult and unreasonable in many ways. But, I had a job, the other people who worked there were good to work with, and the clients were diverse and amazing. [One client was a woman who ran a perfume shop. Every time she came into the office, the smoke alarms went off 🤯]

I got along with everyone but one of the partners. The other partner I could tolerate, but this guy was obnoxious. He would belittle people in front of everyone else if he was displeased with something they did. He dropped names like confetti at a parade. And, as I'm sure you can image, he thought the world of himself.

I was an unassuming person in my early 20s trying to figure things out. I grew up on a farm in a small town and had never had to deal with a person like this. I was a bit shy, naive, and vulnerable to his abuse. He intimidated me and I was angry with him. I had that job for nearly 3 years and the friends I made from that job I still have today.

But during those three years, I didn’t just go to work, I worked on myself. I examined my behavior and his behavior. I talked with other people. I tried different things. Along the way I learned a lot about working with other people, being reliable at a job, and my worth as an employee. Here are some of the most important things I learned:

• People say things in the heat of emotion that aren’t true.

• Some people knowingly say untrue things to control or demean others.

• Reliability and consistency build real confidence in your value.

• Difficult people give you a chance to test your boundaries and voice.

I stayed in that job, not just for the job, but also to learn things about myself and how to deal with difficult people and situations. And, then when I felt I had learned enough and put up with enough, I left.

That’s the key to handling difficult people: treat them as learning opportunities. They give you the chance to ground yourself, recognize your worth, stand up to bullies, and strengthen your confidence. Once you can hold on to your truth in the face of lies, see abusive behavior as a mask for insecurity rather than something you deserve, and stay firm in your boundaries, you’ve gained what you needed. That’s when it’s time to walk away. (Sometimes, we can't walk away from a difficult person. I'll talk about how to handle that scenario in a separate article.)

Of course, there’s a word of warning here. Even if you use a difficult person or situation as a learning opportunity, you will still be affected by them. You will be hurt and angry and sad. Figuring out your worth and boundaries and seeing their abusive behavior for what it is, won't erase the sting of being mistreated.

Consider this:

• Being treated poorly is hurtful.

• If you are treated poorly, you will feel hurt.

• This makes you human, not undeserving or less than.

• It's possible to feel hurt and still stand up for yourself.

The most helpful perspective in these situations is one grounded in reality: what the other person did is hurtful, you were hurt, and you didn’t deserve it. You deserve to be heard and seen for who you are. If someone is taking their emotions out on you, that’s on them, not you. Keeping that in mind, you can decide how best to respond—even while acknowledging the pain.

Here’s the hard truth:

• You won’t find magic words to make them realize what a jerk they’ve been.

• You won’t be able to convince them how valuable you are.

• Nothing is going to change on their part.

They are an adult, likely without any ability to self-reflect on how their behavior affects you. The only thing they know is they are upset and you did something they perceive as causing that feeling. Period.

It’s up to you to wade through the fog of emotion (yours and theirs) to get to the truth. When you can see that their behavior is their responsibility—not yours—and is completely inappropriate, then you have the freedom to do something different. That’s when you can say or do something to take care of yourself, stay authentic, and act with integrity.

That freedom is priceless.

You will have to give up the need for their understanding. They won’t give it to you. But once you understand yourself, you no longer need their validation. From that place, you see abusive behavior for what it is and choose not to subject yourself to it. You learned the lesson. You leveled up. And now you can move on—with clarity, strength, and self-respect.