Being Authentic in Your Marriage Even When It Causes Tension

You don't need to apologize for something you didn’t do, but you also don’t want to disconnect. Here's what to do when you and your partner see the same moment in completely different ways.

A client of mine, Tammy (not her real name), is nearing retirement as a healthcare provider. She's caring, smart, and excited about what's ahead of her. She's looking forward to spending more time with her husband, traveling, and volunteering.

But Tammy's husband has a way of relating to her that makes her feel like she's just supposed to be the "dutiful wife" and go along with whatever he wants. He talks at her, gives his opinion on various topics, and gets upset with her if she doesn't have time to talk or if she tries to engage and express her opinion.

Tammy loves her husband, but she's trying to figure out how to be authentic and her own person and, at the same time, have a harmonious relationship with her husband. It seems to her he just wants her to agree and isn't interested in what she thinks.

This dynamic feels like the opposite of authentic and independent. She watched her mother behave this way with her father and she wants to be more of herself, rather than just her husband's agreeable companion. Her question to me is how can she be authentic without getting into arguments with him.

When Your Authenticity and Independence Feels Like a Threat

Many women in long-term marriages reach a point where being agreeable starts to feel like a betrayal of who they really are. They are tired of trying to get along and make everyone happy. They want more honesty, more connection, and more room to be themselves. But when they say something their partner doesn't like, it turns into tension, defensiveness, silence, or a full-blown argument.

You’re not trying to pick a fight. You’re trying to participate in your relationship and show up in your life. But when your partner acts like your opinions and feelings are unwelcome or wrong that's a problem. It's not the marriage you signed up for.

It’s common to feel stuck when you run into this. The two of you expect different things from each other. You don’t want to start a war, but you also don’t want to keep playing small. So how do you shift your relationship dynamics so you can be authentic and independent without being a threat to your partner or starting an argument?

4 Things to Do When You Just Can’t Agree

Quick note: I know you don't want to be the one to do all the work again! After all, you're in this marriage together, shouldn't you both work on it? But the raw truth is you'll need to take the lead on this problem. Your husband would likely be fine if things would keep going the way they've always gone. He's only getting upset because you want something different and he doesn't understand or doesn't know how to relate in a different way.

1. Stop Trying to Prove the Facts

In couples like Tammy and her husband, disagreements often come down to different experiences of the same moment. You try to explain what you meant. He insists you were being difficult. You feel misunderstood. He feels disrespected.

You won’t get anywhere arguing about who’s right. Even if you did nothing wrong, your partner may still feel hurt. That doesn’t mean you caused the hurt. It means something you said or did hit a nerve. You can care about that without agreeing that you were wrong.

Try saying,

“It wasn’t my intention to upset you, but I hear that you are.”
It’s not an apology. It’s emotional leadership.

2. Validate the Feeling, Not the Story

You can say,

“I believe you felt dismissed, and I care that you were hurt,”
without saying,
“Yes, I shouldn't have disagreed with you.”

This isn’t people-pleasing. It’s maturity. You’re acknowledging the impact without agreeing on the cause. The story of what happened may never match up. But your partner’s pain still matters, if the relationship matters.

3. Talk About the Bigger Picture

Rather than reacting to every moment of disagreement, step back and name what’s really happening. For example,

“It seems like when I express my thoughts, you feel like I’m challenging you. That’s not what I’m doing. I just want to be part of the conversation.”

Making an observation like this invites both of you to look at the dynamic, not just one incident. It signals that you’re not trying to win. You’re trying to connect without disappearing.

This type of discussion is best done when you are both calm. I often suggest that clients set up a time to talk with their spouses about the relationship, a relationship board meeting of sorts. While you could say this in the moment, if emotions are running hot, it is often not heard in the spirit it is intended.

4. Set a Clear Limit Around False Accusations

If your partner routinely accuses you of things you didn’t do and refuses to consider your perspective, it’s okay to set a limit.

It's okay for your partner to say it felt to them like you did something intentionally, but it is not okay for them to declare that you did it intentionally. Saying you did it intentionally is mind reading and characterizing you in a way they have no idea about. 

To set a limit on this, you could say:

“I’m open to hearing how you felt, but I won’t accept being told I had bad intentions when I didn’t. That’s not how I want us to solve problems together.”

You don’t have to betray yourself to stay connected. And you don’t have to deny their feelings to stay honest.

If necessary, you can suggest that you continue the conversation after you both have cooled down.

Final Thought

Tammy’s question is one that many women ask as they get older: How do I stay true to myself without causing conflict?

The answer is that conflict isn’t the enemy. Disrespect is. You don’t need to engage in a fight, and you don’t need to apologize for being who you are. You can navigate pressure to go along and be agreeable by disengaging from arguing over facts and details, validating feelings, talking about patterns and a bigger picture, and respectfully setting limits.

It won't be easy at first. But the people who truly love you will adjust. And you’ll know you’re finally showing up as the real you.