6 High-Quality Questions for Overcoming Shame, Self-Criticism & Overthinking

A client of mine, Susie (not her real name) struggles with getting all the details in her life just right. Every time she misses deadlines, makes a typos, or loses something important, she feels ashamed and humiliated and asks questions like, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ and ‘Why am I so stupid?’ She asks them repeatedly, hoping that if she can figure out the answers, she can finally fix the problem. Who knows, maybe she'd even become a super-start at work and earn a raise or promotion!

Maybe you’ve even asked yourself similar questions. These kinds of questions can seem helpful. Logically, if you could figure out the answer to the question of what's wrong, you could solve it and life would get better. Right? 

But have these questions ever helped you solve the problem? Or have they left you stewing in a soup of misery, trapped in a cycle of negative self-talk, overthinking, and shame?

The Hidden Power of High-Quality Questions

People are constantly asking themselves questions. But questions are more than just mental chatter. Questions are tools for personal growth, problem-solving, and mental clarity. We are constantly facing challenges, from simple decisions to the most puzzling problems, and the way we deal with these challenges will have a big impact on the outcome.

• Did we solve the problem effectively, or brush it aside only to face it again?
• Are we open to learning new things, or stuck with what we know and not getting any where?
• Are we making progress toward a vision of a better future, or just surviving the daily grind?

High-quality questions give you an answer you can do something with, an answer that leads to an effective decision, a solution to a problem, or an important insight. These are the kinds of questions that can change your life.

3 Essential Qualities of High-Quality Questions

We are generally all very good at asking self-critical questions, like "Why can't I ever get that right?" But, high-quality questions are different. They have three key qualities:

1. They avoid hidden assumptions
2. They pique curiosity
3. They improve how we use our intuition

Let's break these down.

1. High-Quality Questions avoid hidden assumptions 

A high-quality question does not have an embedded assumption in it. Notice that Susie’s questions had assumptions embedded in them: ‘what’s wrong with me’ assumes there is something wrong with her; ‘why am I so stupid’ similarly assumes she is stupid. 

When we answer a question with an embedded assumption, we affirm the assumption and get trapped into believing a self-critical thought. For an answer that offers real insight and avoids emotional traps, we need to ask a higher quality question.

2. High-Quality Questions pique curiosity 

A high-quality question should spark genuine curiosity. Children naturally approach problems with curiosity but adults often shy away from being curious and, instead, stick with what they already know. But what you already know isn't going to help you solve the problem--or it would already be solved!

An example of this happened to me a few years ago. My father was having memory problems and I suggested to my mother that he should see a neurologist. Later, she told me the neurologist referred him to physical therapy for dizziness and didn't recall discussing his memory problems. I felt instantly frustrated and angry: "How could she forget that?"

Notice that my initially question, "How could she forget that?" is judgmental and would not lead to a solution. Rather than stewing with that question, I reflected on "What made me so angry?" This higher-quality question helped me see I was worried and my ability to help was limited because I lived too far away. With a better question and a better answer, I got some emotional clarity and was able to do some problem-solving and help them get better support.

3. High-Quality Questions improve our intuition 

Intuition is an important source of knowledge. Unfortunately, most of us doubt our intuition. But without intuition it would be nearly impossible to make a decision or carry on a conversation. That's because intuition provides quick insights that rational thinking can't. Without intuition we get stuck in analysis and overthinking.

Intuition isn’t always correct because it can be prone to bias and distortion, but if you’re paying attention, you'll get to know when it’s worth listening to. You’ll learn when it’s pointing in a useful direction and when it’s leading you astray. So let’s foster our ability to use this source of information.

Shifting to high-quality questions allows us to avoid hidden assumptions and use our curiosity and intuition. When we do this we gain emotional clarity, reduce self-criticism and overthinking, and come up with real solutions to our challenges and problems. 

Next, let's explore how this plays out in real life.

Six High-Quality Questions to Transform Self-Criticism and Overthinking

1. Replace 'Why am I so Stupid?' with a better question

Many people, like Susie, repeatedly ask themselves questions like, "Why am I so stupid?" or "What's wrong with me?" or "Why does this always happen to me?" This isn't curiosity, this is judgment and self-criticism because of the hidden assumption.

As an alternative, reframe these questions into something like "Why am I prone it missing typos?" or "What contributes to me missing deadlines?" These questions are emotionally neutral, lack hidden assumptions, are more specific, and allow you to explore the situation, rather than reinforcing shame and judgment.

Pro tip: Replace "Why" questions with "How" or "What" questions with curiosity, not judgment:

• "Why am I so stupid?" --> "What would help me catch typos?"
• "What's wrong with me?" --> "What contributes to missing deadlines?"
• "Why can't I get things right?" --> "How can I get this project done correctly?"

2. The “What am I afraid of?” question

This is an excellent question to ask yourself because fear drives avoidance and avoidance doesn't take action or solve problems. Fear causes so much avoidance that people are often quite vague about what they are afraid of.

Avoidance can be a bit tricky, though. Sometimes it shows up because we are literally afraid of something.  Other times it shows up as lack of confidence, not really fear. But, the real issue is lack of clarity about the problem and your ability to address it. Asking "What am I afraid of?" is an excellent way to interrupt the avoidance pattern, find out what's actually behind your avoidance, and address the problem. 

3. What do I want?

This is a question designed to replace the idea, “I should [do a task].” The problem with the 'should' is it implies obligation, rather than choice. So if you have the thought you “should” do something and you face some resistance, try asking yourself what you WANT to do instead.

But there's a twist. We are usually using 'should' because we DO NOT WANT to do it. If this is the case, ask yourself whether you want it done. Like dirty dishes in the sink, you may not want to wash them, but you may want the kitchen clean. By asking yourself whether you want the kitchen clean you give yourself a choice. 

4. What is causing me to feel [angry/frustrated/sad] about this issue?

Explore the source of the your feelings. By asking yourself a question like this, you are taking a step back from the details that are upsetting you and observing yourself.

You can begin to see patterns and how you might be amplifying your current feelings by the way you are thinking and behaving. You can explore how the current situation is the same and different from what happened in the past and how you might be able to do something different. You can explore whether your long-held belief about how, when, and where to do things is useful or whether you can be more flexible. 

The point here is that your feelings are telling you something and if you take a step away from them and examine their source or role they are playing in the situation, you might learn something useful.

5. What is there to learn here? Or, What don’t I understand?

This is a great question to ask when you realize you are stuck, have failed to get the results you wanted, or when a situation sneaks up on you.

In all these situations, you're missing something. Backing up and working out what you missed or what you could learn from what happened is much more helpful than a question like “What’s wrong with me.”

Don’t forget to add in curiosity. With a powerful questions like “What could I learn from this?” you are well on your way to learning something powerful that could change your relationship and your life.

6. What's the next action I could take? or What can I do differently next time?

Once you have more information and clarity on the problem, identify the next step. If the situation has passed, figure out what you can do differently next time it shows up, because there is always a next time. This bridges your reflection with action, making it all that more valuable.

Why These Questions Overcome Self-Criticism and Overthinking

Successfully navigating life's challenges requires curiosity, learning, and action. High-quality questions help you:

• Reduce self-criticism
• Replace overthinking with clarity
• Foster curiosity and learning
• Help you use your intuition more effectively
• Turn shame and fear into actionable steps

Notice your habitual, inner questions and learn to ask higher-quality questions. If your inner questions are keeping you stuck, ask a high-quality question, explore possibilities with curiosity, and act with intention. These six questions aren't just a good idea, they're tools to shift you out of shame and self-criticism and transform the way you think, feel, and live.