In a Long-Distance Relationship is Sex With Others Okay?

ama ask me anything healthy relationships perspective relationship advice relationship tips relationships Aug 10, 2023
Long-Distance Relationship

Dear Dr. Julie: My significant other and I live 2 hours away and are able to see each about twice a month. However because we aren’t in the same city he thinks it’s okay for him to go out & have sex with somebody else (he goes to “providers”). He thinks it’s okay because he is not in a “ relationship “ with anybody else & he says he needs sex. I do love him & he says he loves me but it upsets me to know he is having sex with somebody else! What should I do?

--Monogamous in Montana

Dear Monogamous: Tell yourself the truth about whether him having sex with other people is a dealbreaker for you, regardless of what that might mean for the future of the relationship. Don't let your desire to get along or be understanding get in the way of answering the question. And, don't believe the myth that he is the only one for you. 

Keep in mind that people never do something just once or only in one situation. It is highly likely he will continue to get sex from others even if you live live in the same city or even the same house. Also, it is normal for two people to have different sexual appetites as time goes on. Life can get in the way of even the biggest appetites and this will mean at some point he will want sex and you won't be available or willing. What will he do then? His need/desire for sex is real, but how he is handling it is dismissive of your feelings and perspective. He is going out and getting it, even though it bothers you. 

So, is him having sex with other people a dealbreaker? If it is not a dealbreaker, accept it as part of being in a relationship with him for the remainder of the relationship, regardless of your living situation. If it is a dealbreaker, start talking with him to see if he is willing to change. If not, you have your answer.

Do you have a question for Dr Julie? You can submit your question here and if Dr. Julie answers it, it will be published in her newsletter. Your question and identity will be kept anonymous.

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