How do we fix our boring marriage?

Dear Dr. Julie: My husband and I have been married for a while and it's starting to feel a bit boring. We are losing our spark. How can we fix this boring marriage?

--Losing Our Spark

Dear Losing Our Spark: Anything you do repeatedly is going to start to feel boring after a while. That's because it is no longer novel or fun, it is the same old thing over and over again. Who wants that?

To fix your boring marriage first talk with your husband about how you feel and get his perspective--does he think the marriage is boring? You need to know whether he feels the same way and what he thinks will help. 

Then think about what made the first years of your relationship fun and interesting. Did you go out and do things more often than you do now? How much time did you spend together versus apart from each other? Were you doing things he liked to do that you haven't done before? Who made the plans for going out? Has that shifted?

If you are caught up in parenting, work or life stresses and don't connect with him as much, you likely need so quiet time together to reconnect. Find a way to reconnect that works for both of you.

If the two of you have a routine that seems to take precedence, mix it up a little. Go out for breakfast rather than dinner, take a hike with a picnic lunch, or something else that is a little different from your usual routine.

How can the two of you inject more fun activities into your marriage? Make it a point to do fun things together, but also make sure you go do fun things without him. Being with him too much can really diminish that little thrill you get when seeing him again. That little thrill doesn't happen if you're together all the time.

The other thing to keep in mind that, although it can get boring at times, the feeling of boredom comes along with knowing your partner is there. There is security in the routine so I recommend that while you are spicing things up a bit, take time to appreciate that you have a secure routine, even if it is a little boring.

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